Back to Fiction

Premiere Event 1: The Marine - Jade and Kate
Rating: PG - language
Characters: John Cena, Undertaker, HHH, Kane, Ric Flair, Chris Jericho, and others
Summary: John Cena's new movie premieres, and his coworkers show up to show their support.

"So, John, how are you feeling about tonight?" The reporter from Entertainment Tonight held the microphone out, waiting expectantly for John Cena's answer.

John flashed a smile as the cameras surrounding the red carpet whirled. "I have to say, I'm feeling great. It's my movie premiere, I'm surrounded by all my friends and coworkers, and I'm standing next to a lovely lady."

The reporter giggled and asked, "As you mentioned, many of your coworkers from World Wrestling Entertainment are here walking the red carpet. How much does that support mean to you?"

Before John could reply, the Nature Boy Ric Flair ran up with a "Whoo!" and stepped next to the reporter. "I am pumped tonight, baby! I'm ready to see someone get shot! Whoo!" Ric ran a few feet away but stopped to perform his trademark strut before running the rest of the way into the theater.

Still slightly dumbstruck by the sudden appearance and disappearance of the very loud Ric Flair, John Cena gave a chuckle and a shrug as he answered the previous question. "It means a lot to have all the guys and gals here so enthusiastic for me. It's great."

Ending the interview, John finally found his way into the building. Stopping at the snack counter, he grabbed himself a large tub of popcorn and a large soda, then worked his way through the well-wishers to his reserved seat in the front row.

The movie would be starting in just a few minutes, so John took a few bites of popcorn and waited. Suddenly a hand landed on his shoulder and a head appeared next to his own. A deep voice asked, "You gonna eat that?"

John half-turned in his seat to find the Undertaker and Kane sitting behind him. "What are you guys doing? You're not supposed to sit there. Those seats are reserved."

"Reserved?!" the Undertaker shouted. "Listen here, boy, I am 137 years old! These seats should have been reserved for me! I have been working in this business for 130 years. 130! So I will sit wherever I damn well want to. Got it?! Sit down, shut up, and pay your dues." With that, the Undertaker reached over, grabbed the popcorn and soda, and sat back happily munching on his newly acquired snack.

"'Pay your dues'?" John Cena muttered to himself as he settled into his seat, deciding to ignore the fact that his snacks had just been commandeered. The Undertaker was shoving his mouth full of popcorn as the lights dimmed, signaling the start of the opening credits.

"Whoo!" Ric Flair exclaimed from the back of the theater. "Let's go, Johnny! Kill some commies! Whoo!" John sank deeper into his seat.

"Hey, go easy on the snacks, big guy," Triple H warned the Undertaker, leaning over his left shoulder. "You got a match tomorrow, remember?"

Jaw dropping with shock and disdain, the Undertaker slowly turned to glare at Triple H. "I," he stated slowly, "am 163 years old. And I've been wrestling for 126 years. Have you been wrestling 126 years? I don't believe you have. So--"

"Save it, Taker," Triple H interrupted. "You know damn well how many calories are in one gram of butter. It was in the memo I sent you last week. Now, if you wanted to hit the gym tonight--"

"Shut! Up!" the Undertaker roared. "I am ridiculously old and I can eat whatever I want! If I want to eat popcorn, I'm eating it! If I want to eat candy, I'm eating it! If I want to eat a baby, I'm eating it! Now sit down, shut up, and pay your dues."

"My opening credits were much better," Kane noted sullenly. He reached for a handful of the Undertaker's popcorn and got his hand smacked. "Ow!"

"Get your grabby little hands away from my food!" the Undertaker shouted indignantly.

"It's not even your food! You stole it from Cena!" Kane shouted back.

"Possession is nine-tenths of the law and I'm possessing it, so it's my food and you can't have any!"

"Give me some popcorn!" Kane shouted as he pulled the tub towards him.

"No!" The Undertaker pulled the tub back.

"Give me!" Kane jerked on the popcorn


"Shoot him!" Ric Flair yelled at the screen, despite it showing a peaceful introductory scene between Cena's character and his best friend.

"Give me!" With a final tug by Kane, the popcorn tub exploded, sending kernels spraying all over the immediate area.

"Dammit!" the Undertaker yelled, dropping the remnants of the tub onto the floor. "Look what you did!"

"I didn't--"

"Guys!" John Cena interrupted, whirling around in his seat. "Please, just chill. Nobody can hear my movie."

"They're not missing anything," Kane said sourly, folding his arms and leaning back.

"You got any more popcorn?" the Undertaker asked.

"I'm begging you here," John pleaded, digging into his wallet. "Look, get some more if you want, just please be quiet." He handed the Undertaker a five dollar bill.

"This ain't all your dues, but it's a start." The Undertaker grabbed the money and headed down the aisle towards the snack stand. John sighed and went back to watching the movie.

At the snack stand, the Undertaker ordered a large popcorn and found out that five dollars didn't cover the cost. Grumbling unintelligibly, the Undertaker dug into his wallet, paid the cashier, and grabbed his popcorn. Intending to demand all the money from John Cena, he turned towards the doors leading back into the movie. As he walked past the bathrooms, he saw the Rock step out carrying a box of raisenettes.

Striding right up to the Rock, the Undertaker held out his hand and demanded, "Give me those."

The Rock rolled his eyes and replied, "No, you can't have the Rock's raisenettes. Get your own."

"Hey! I am 178 years old. I have been alive for 178 years. You have not. Respect your elders and give me that candy! You're a big Hollywood star. You can buy more."

"And why can't you buy some?" the Rock asked imperiously.

"Because I don't have to!" the Undertaker roared. He grabbed the raisenettes out of the Rock's hand and took off running down the aisle. Looking back over his shoulder to check if the Rock was chasing him, the Undertaker didn't see Triple H coming up the aisle to fetch snacks for his wife Stephanie and Shawn Michaels until he ran into him. Taking a step back, Triple H looked from the Undertaker to the food in his hands and stated, "You are a fatass."

The Undertaker widened his eyes and replied, "You are a stankass." Then he calmly walked back to his seat. Once seated, the Undertaker chuckled and leaned towards Kane. "Heh, heh, heh. I stole the Rock's raisenettes."

"Good. Then you won't want the popcorn," Kane said as he reached for the new tub.

Allowing Kane to grab a handful, the Undertaker informed him, "I'm only sharing 'cause I got the Rock's raisenettes."

A few relatively quiet minutes later, Triple H returned and handed the candy to Stephanie and Shawn.

"What took you so long?" Stephanie asked, tearing open the box.

Triple H hesitated, then leaned in and whispered, "The Undertaker called me a stankass."

Shawn blinked. "A what?"

"A stankass." Triple H frowned as he shrugged. "I'm not even sure what that means, but I can't imagine it's a good thing, right?"

"My husband is not a stank ass!" Stephanie yelled, drawing the attention of half the theater. "Well, he's not," she added defiantly.

"Is too," the Undertaker chuckled in front of them.

"Is not!" Stephanie shrieked. "If you're so old, why do you act like you're a child?"

"Why are you such a bottom-feeding trashbag ho?" the Undertaker retorted.

"That's not even your insult! That's Jericho's!"

The Undertaker shrugged. "Fine, then you're a stankass, too."

"That doesn't even make sense--" Shawn started.

"Hey! Assclowns!" Chris Jericho shouted from down the row. "Keep it down, and stop stealing my lines."

"Jericho, where have you been?" Shawn asked.

"Mind-your-own-damn-business, Ontario. That's where."

"Who the hell are you?" the Undertaker shouted.

"He was just here a year ago," Kane said around a mouthful of popcorn.

"Who the hell are you?" the Undertaker asked.

As the music swelled during the love scene being played out onscreen, Ric Flair suddenly yelled, "Yeah! Kill the bitch!"

John Cena hopped out of his chair and exclaimed, "Nobody is going to die, Ric!"

"What about the Nazis?"

"There are no Nazis in this movie," John yelled.


"No! Would you people please just shut up?!" John shouted in exasperation.

"Or what? You gonna kill us?! I don't think so! You have not killed one person! Not one! You didn't even kill the bitch!" Ric replied.

"What is wrong with you people?!" John complained.

"Your movie," Kane stated, realizing he had run out of popcorn.

"Yours wasn't much better," the Undertaker growled, frowning at the empty tub of popcorn in Kane's hands.

"Damn skippy, Junior," Chris Jericho agreed.

"Ju...I am 276 years old!" the Undertaker shouted. "I have been wrestling since the dawn of time! I.."

As the Undertaker continued his tirade, Stone Cold Steve Austin turned to Vince McMahon, hidden away in the back corner of the theater. "Are all these jackasses gonna be at my movie premiere, Vince? 'Cause I'll just kick their asses. I can do that, right? It's my movie. This movie does suck, though. I'm with Flair; it needs..."

Vince smiled and nodded as Steve continued. He discretely checked his watch as he lifted his hand to adjust one of his flesh-toned earplugs. A little over one hour to go. Enough time for a nap if he could get Steve to stop talking to him...